I was feeling fine when I left my apartment today to go to my Spanish lesson. I had spent the morning, after returning from the chiropractor, reading blogs, blogging myself and taking a nice nap. I ate some stir fried vegetables but didn't really have anything appetizing to eat, so I left a little early, planning on getting something to eat on the way to Palermo to meet Juliana.
I found I was really hungry when I stepped out on to the street. I thought about waiting until I got to Palermo to eat, but thought I'd be too hungry by then and had no idea where I would eat, so I settled for Burger King.
It amazes me that I continue to have communication problems, but after some confusion, I ended up getting a churrasqueo pampeano, a steak sandwich and a grapefruit drink - no fries. I figured I didn't need the extra salt or the carbs. The steak sandwich didn't seem especially salty to me and since I've been eating at home a lot, I figured I could take in some salt.
The subte was crowded so I didn't get on the first train that arrived. I noticed that the rear car was the emptiest, so I moved to the other end of the platform and got on the last car of the next train, which was not as empty as the one that had just passed, but it was ok - I've been on more crowded trains in Japan.
As we were chugging along, a guy standing next to me asked me how far Plaza Italia was. I am always amazed at how much I get asked for directions. This time I knew, because that was where I was getting off.
I got off the train and headed up the stairs at the rear of the train, putting me two blocks away from Thames, where I normally get off and walk about 8 blocks to meet Juliana. But I had some time, and my camera, and I decided to walk down some different streets as I am on the hunt for stencil graffiti (more on that later).
I found one graffiti of marijuana leaves that said plants don't sin, or something along those lines and took a photo of that. I was almost at El Salvador, where I would turn to head over to Thames.
Suddenly, the ground below me gave way and I nearly fell over. I couldn't believe it, but out of nowhere I was going to have a meniere's attack.
I didn't know what to do. I knew Juliana was waiting for me in the bookstore/cafe but didn't have a cell phone today. I also knew that I had to take medicine as soon as possible, or else I'd be puking my guts up. So I stumbled to the cafe, and took a pill with some of Juliana's diet coke. And then the race between the medicine and the vertigo began once again.
I think I might have freaked Juliana out a little, but she was pretty cool about the whole thing. I prefer to have these attacks in private, because it is very difficult to remain completely still when there is another person talking to you. Juliana tried to proceed with our lesson, but when she gave me something to read, I told her I couldn't read anything and had to keep my head perfectly still. She spoke to me a little about something or other and every time I nodded my head to show her I was listening, I could feel myself moving one step closer to having a full blown vertigo attack.
In the middle of all of this, Juliana took out her computer to find information about a concert that was taking place this Saturday at ESMA, the former naval school and torture center which has just been opened as a museum dedicated to the memory of all of those who were tortured and disappeared there. In the process of doing that, she came across the e-mail I sent her this morning informing her that after next week I would not be taking any more classes with her.
With all of these extra treatments I am taking - acupuncture, chiropractice, even the spas which don't always accept credit cards, my budget is in a bit of a deficit. I am not really feeling like my Spanish lessons are helping me, so I decided after next week, I would stop, since the following week I will be going to Uruguay to return again and jump start my visa again.
So Juliana read this e-mail from me in the middle of me having this attack. I might be reading it wrong, but the next thing that happened was that she packed up her laptop and left me in the cafe.
Now, to be fair, she asked me if I wanted her to accompany me home, and she did offer to help by calling me a taxi. But I still had a good 30 minutes of sitting there and waiting for the medicine to completely deaden my sense of balance, or do whatever it does. I knew if I moved too soon, I'd be heading down that spiraling tube to spinning out of control and vomiting.
So, Juliana left and I sat in this cafe in the smoking room, smelling second hand smoke and staring straight ahead of me at a table with a couple and a baby (I could not believe they brought their baby into this room). So that I didn't look too odd, I took out my notebook and began to write about what had just happened to me.
Finally, after about 30 minutes, I decided to try and stand. I knew there was an ice cream shop about a block away and thought I could go there and get an ice cream and sit for a bit more before attemtping to take the subway or a cab home.
I walked to the ice cream shop and it was filled with kids and families and it was very noisy. Noise also aggravates the meniere's, so I took my ice cream outide thinking the fresh air would be good for me. But I seemed to be sitting in a wind tunnel, and as soon as I finished my ice cream, I got up and left, only to find it was just that corner that was windy. Weird.
I was afraid to get on the subway, one because I thought it might be too crowded, and two, because if I had an attack, I did not want to be trapped in a subway car with a bunch of other people.
I was going to take a cab, but I didn't have enough small bills to be able to pay for it and didn't want to risk using the 100 peso note I had in my wallet. So I walked.
I must have walked for over an hour. The whole time I tried to avoid traffic and pedestrians and actually found an interesting street and neighborhood that I have never walked down before. I even found a beautiful basilica with a nice park right in front of it.
Every now and then it felt like my legs were going to give out from under me. I was not feeling dizzy, but I was feeling kind of weak and very fragile.
I'm at the end of my rope here and don't really know what to do. Nothing I do seems to be helping in getting this meniere's to calm down. The stress of worrying about having another attack doesn't help either. I was thinking about taking a trip home to SF for a few weeks to be back in familiar surroundings and maybe get a refill of my prescription, see my acupuncturist there, and picking up some things that I am going to be running out of soon like the natural diauretic that I take. But taking a long trip when I am in danger of having an attack is also risky. What if I get sick on the plane?
On the way to meet Juliana, I stopped in this shop that had a bunch of stuff from India and other parts of Asia. There was this piece of fabric that had some chinese letters on it and also had something written in English. It said something like, "not to be free of fear or challenges, but to have the courage to face them".
That is where I am now. I don't know where this illness is going to take me, I only hope that I can find the courage to face that place, wherever it is.
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