Missed the Boat

And the drama continues....

I was really excited about my trip today. I was all packed and pretty much ready to go. I got up early, blogged, watched the new Tina Fey skit of Sarah Palin and took my time waking myself up this morning.

At about 9:00, I decided to start with the shower and bathroom activities. I noticed that my sideburns were extraordinarly bushy looking and was trimming them, trying to decide whether or not to shave them off or just trim them down. With my head slightly tilted to one side, suddenly I felt something shift inside and began to feel a little wobbly.

Not wanting to take any chances, I suspended the grooming and took a meclizine. I was feeling funny. It was a funny feeling I was familiar with. In the past, I thought this funny feeling was due to low blood sugar, or a bad night's sleep, or other unknown causes. Now I knew what it was and hoped the the meclizine would race to the rescue in time.

Thinking a warm shower would help, I probably did the wrong thing here and got in the shower. The water did feel good, but standing did not. My legs were feeling weak and like they would give out from under me. I didn't wash my hair, but instead grabbed a towel, and ran dripping wet to my bed, got under the covers and watchted as the room began to spin.

I tried focusing on my breathing. But the room still spun. It is not a spinning around and around that happens, but like a camera panning to one side repeatedly. And so it went, to the right to the right, like a follow up to that Beyonce song.

Every time I moved my head, I could feel myself descend one step closer to hell. But I had so quickly flung myself into bed I was not really comfortable. Plus it was not comfortable staring at the one spot on the ceiling I had decided to focus on. I tried closing my eyes, but that made me feel like I was falling and it didn't feel good.

I lay there with my eyes open, trying to focus on my breathing, wanting sleep so badly to escape what was happening to me, but like a torture subject, being forced to stay present with every unpleasant sensation.

It was too late.

I ran to the bathroom and fell on the floor in front of the toilet. My breakfast, including grapefruit juice came rushing up.

I don't know what causes the vomiting. Today I didn't feel the hot, sweaty, wet mouth sensations I normally feel before this happens. I just knew that if I didn't make it to the bathroom on time I would have more than spinning to deal with.

After vomiting, I collapsed with my head on the toilet seat because I didn't know what else to do.

Eventually I made my way back to bed.

I had an 11:30 reservation for the Buquebus to Colonia - the ferry that would take me across the river to my mini escape. It was 9:15.

I was not sure if I would be ready to leave the apartment in an hour to catch a taxi to the pier.

Thoughts spun through my head now that the other spinning would stop. Should I just cancel the whole trip? Then what would I do? I had to go to Uruguay at some point. What was to say next week would be better than this week? As long as I took meclizine long before any hint of vertigo started, I knew I would be able to make it to Colonia and have a reasonable time there. It might even be better for me to be in a different environment to distract myself. Lord knows, I've spent weeks in this apartment just staring at the ceiling. The past few weeks I have only left to go to the supermarket or to class twice a week (when I could) and have done little else.

I got up and through the fog of the final spins and the beginning effects of vertigo, I logged on to my copmuter and changed my reservation for the ferry until the next available time - 6 this evening.

I crawled back into bed and slept, strange dreams of a world where dogs roamed wild in packs invaded my desire for a peaceful escape from what was becoming a living hell.

It's now a little after 2 and I am up and the spinning is gone. I feel weak, I feel scared, and I feel unsure about what my life is going to be like. Nobody seems to understand what is going on with me, myself included. I have some friends who brush this off. You'll be better ok. I have others who sound alarms and encourage me to go home. Leaving here doesn't seem much of a solution though, it only seems like an escape to something else, but not to wellness.

I've been trying everything. My diet has practically no salt. And yesterday was no exception. The only salt I took in was a little that might have been in the small slice of pizza I had. I am not doing too much. I am not under stress. I was feeling very good, and yesterday felt great. I've been doing affirmations and getting treatments. And then today.

So,I am going to attempt to go forward with this trip to Uruguay. If I have to, I will take meclizine every 6 hours as directed by the label. Maybe I'll get used to being tired all the time. I'm already pretty tired most of the time anyway, so it's just a minor adjustment. If I need to stay in my hotel and rest the whole time, at least it will be a different environment. If I'm able to get up, I'll be able to sit on the terrace of my hotel and see the river or order room service.

I know people who have illnesses that are far more debilitating. My fear is that this is going to continue to get worse in spite of all of my efforts to regain my health. Blogging about it seems to be the only thing I can do that in any way helps me to feel better. I'm not sure why that is.

Well, in a few hours I'll be boarding that boat. I'll take another meclizine soon, to be sure I don't have another attack, and to make sure I don't get sick on the boat. Until then, I'm going to go lie down on the sofa and rest some more.